Many times when I am out at a restaurant or club I will see amazingly old men with twenty-something women. Without speculating on the “Whys” of this, one thought does pop into my mind… Viva Viagra!
There is one particular “Erectile Dysfunction” product whose ads always show a graying man with a younger (but not that young) woman. They are either on some tropical vacation, sailing a $900,000 yacht, or sharing a bathtub outdoors somewhere. These are not unlike Beer ads that show macho men drinking a brand of beer, surrounded by Barbie Dolls who find them absolutely irresistible with that bottle in their hand. They are a step or two up from that though.
Beer makes you attractive and intelligent. Viagra and its clones make you rich and worldly.
Then, of course, follows the mandatory side effects blurb, spoken at light speed as to save expensive advertising time. “Side effects” is another gloss over term for EFFECTS… Period!
But my favorite part is what follows this. A warning that; “If you should experience an erection for more than four hours, call your physician immediately”.
Call my physician? What? Should I bring Roses and Champaign to my appointment? What the hell is she going to do about it? At least my doctor is not a male.
If I had an erection lasting four hours, the last thing I would do is see my doctor.
Instead I would get on my knees and thank God…
That’s three hours and fifty-five minutes longer than my record!
Christmas… such a confusing time for many, including myself. For one, I can’t call it “Christmas” any more but now must refer to it as the “holiday season” lest I be sued, fired, ostracized or arrested for a hate crime. I tried calling it “The holiday formerly known as Christmas” but that was leading to a copyright infringement on… well, there is no key with that crazy symbol on it here. I decided to call it “Chrihanakawanziamadan” but try fitting that on a card. So henceforth I will refer to it simply as “holiday”. Generic enough, no one gets their feelings hurt or can accuse me of cramming my spiritual beliefs down their throat.
Aside from the naming issue there is also the dilemma of what to do during “holiday”. With family so far away and no one here to hang out with, I decided to let someone else do the thinking for me and so I turned on the thought replacement machine.
The television had many suggestions, like the mini-series commercials about how a woman will fall madly in love with me if I buy here a five carat diamond. She will even become prettier than she was just moments ago when she opens the box. Or, how if I give someone a Lexus, they will be filled with holiday spirit and joy that rivals even Santa Clause’s. I also know now, that even buying someone a Volvo, or FOUR, will brighten up the most hardened cynic’s holiday, but maybe not as much as a Lexus would.
I considered the Lexus but since I don’t have a car for myself right now it would be hard to get to Melbourne to the Dealership. A Volvo? maybe, I don’t know… foreign cars and all that. The diamond… yes! I will give a raven haired beauty a flawless five carat diamond and she will fall madly in love with me, forever, or until…
If I remember correctly, wasn’t she the same woman that was in last years “holiday” diamond commercial with a DIFFERENT MAN? Did she take the diamond and run? Was this diamond better and thus more worthy of her love than the other one? Maybe things just didn’t work out. Or, maybe she’s the black widow of diamonds? She finds a man, gets a diamond, then bites off the man’s head and moves on. The hussy! What ever happened to “a diamond is forever”? So diamonds are out too. I wouldn’t want to get my head bit off.
Just as I was pondering all of this, a commercial for Publix®, one of our regional grocery store chains, came on.
It was one of their ‘holiday special’ commercials with a musical score that evokes that “something wonderful is happening” feeling. They proceed to show me a barrage of clips of happy people doing happy holiday things… family cooking together, children peeking around corners at mysterious, wonderfully wrapped packages, relatives arriving, the family pet in a ridiculous outfit... Things made possible only through Publix® undying dedication to their customer… Me!
Why doesn’t the other store, Wynn-Dixie, do the same? Don’t they care about me? How dare they ignore me and my needs during this holiday season! I spent money there and they could care less about my feelings. I will probably sue Wynn-Dixie as soon as my Publix® euphoria wears down, after “holiday”. Wynn-Dixie, the heartless Bastards… They OWE me!
Publix® generously points out to me how much they care about my holiday and how easy and delightful they will make it. Publix®, after all, is family! I know this because they tell me so. How wonderful the feeling as they whisk me away on a magical holiday experience that will leave all of life’s worries behind. They will even provide the snow in this eighty degree weather. Visions of Mac& Cheese will dance in my head as I try to sleep, the anticipation of the next day’s Publix® “holiday” experience weighing heavy on my mind.
Who needs diamonds? Who needs a car? I have Oscar Myer Bologna! Now I don’t have to spend “holiday” alone. I will awaken on “holiday” morning and there I will be amongst all my Publix® purchases. Who said money can’t buy happiness? “Holiday” is GREAT!
Publix® really cares about me. Publix® IS my family! I know this cause they tell me so.