Third Offence

Another $%&*@!* Post

I have the Tourette’s syndrome of creative writing.

 

Everything is going perfectly fine when suddenly I have an uncontrollable outburst.

And when I am through, many people are left offended.

All the World's a Stage

Life is a movie in which we all play a role. Unfortunately my best scenes end up on the cutting room floor.

May Cause Face Slaps

Many times when I am out at a restaurant or club I will see amazingly old men with twenty-something women. Without speculating on the “Whys” of this, one thought does pop into my mind… Viva Viagra!

There is one particular “Erectile Dysfunction” product whose ads always show a graying man with a younger (but not that young) woman. They are either on some tropical vacation, sailing a $900,000 yacht, or sharing a bathtub outdoors somewhere. These are not unlike Beer ads that show macho men drinking a brand of beer, surrounded by Barbie Dolls who find them absolutely irresistible with that bottle in their hand. They are a step or two up from that though.

Beer makes you attractive and intelligent. Viagra and its clones make you rich and worldly.

Then, of course, follows the mandatory side effects blurb, spoken at light speed as to save expensive advertising time. “Side effects” is another gloss over term for EFFECTS… Period!

But my favorite part is what follows this. A warning that; “If you should experience an erection for more than four hours, call your physician immediately”.

Call my physician? What? Should I bring Roses and Champaign to my appointment? What the hell is she going to do about it? At least my doctor is not a male.

If I had an erection lasting four hours, the last thing I would do is see my doctor.

Instead I would get on my knees and thank God…

That’s three hours and fifty-five minutes longer than my record!

Continuing Education

Grade School:

You are on a train travelling South at 60 miles an hour.

Your friend is on a train travelling North at 40 miles per hour

You are both 180 miles from each other.

 

How long will it take before your two trains meet?

 

High School:

You are on a train travelling South at 60 miles an hour.

Your friend is on a train travelling North at 40 miles per hour

You are both 180 miles from each other.

 

How many angels fit on the head of a pin?

 

College:

You are on a train travelling South at 60 miles an hour.

Your friend is on a train travelling North at 40 miles per hour

You are both 180 miles from each other.

 

How many companies can you sue for liability after your client is startled by the other passing train?

 

Retirement:

 

You are at a bus stop.

 

How long before the train arrives?

They're Playing my Song

Every now and then a classic ‘80s tune will come on the radio and I will be filled with a sense of nostalgia.

 

When my kids get to be my age they too will hear something that gives them the same feeling. However for them, it will be when they pass a construction site or disaster area.

One Bad Pickup Line

Barfly to drunk chick: “What do you do for a living?”

 

Drunk chick: “I don’t work, I’m raising my kids.”

 

Barfly: “Oh, I don’t have a job either!”

 

- Ovearheard at "Charlotte's Web", Cape Canaveral, FL.

Depressing Lawn Care

I wish my lawn was Emo so it would cut itself.

They're Selling as Fast as...

Since when was the Hotcake a fast seller?

Merry, um... "Holiday!"

Christmas… such a confusing time for many, including myself. For one, I can’t call it “Christmas” any more but now must refer to it as the “holiday season” lest I be sued, fired, ostracized or arrested for a hate crime. I tried calling it “The holiday formerly known as Christmas” but that was leading to a copyright infringement on… well, there is no key with that crazy symbol on it here. I decided to call it “Chrihanakawanziamadan” but try fitting that on a card. So henceforth I will refer to it simply as “holiday”. Generic enough, no one gets their feelings hurt or can accuse me of cramming my spiritual beliefs down their throat.

Aside from the naming issue there is also the dilemma of what to do during “holiday”. With family so far away and no one here to hang out with, I decided to let someone else do the thinking for me and so I turned on the thought replacement machine.

The television had many suggestions, like the mini-series commercials about how a woman will fall madly in love with me if I buy here a five carat diamond. She will even become prettier than she was just moments ago when she opens the box. Or, how if I give someone a Lexus, they will be filled with holiday spirit and joy that rivals even Santa Clause’s. I also know now, that even buying someone a Volvo, or FOUR, will brighten up the most hardened cynic’s holiday, but maybe not as much as a Lexus would.

I considered the Lexus but since I don’t have a car for myself right now it would be hard to get to Melbourne to the Dealership. A Volvo? maybe, I don’t know… foreign cars and all that. The diamond… yes! I will give a raven haired beauty a flawless five carat diamond and she will fall madly in love with me, forever, or until…

If  I remember correctly, wasn’t she the same woman that was in last years “holiday” diamond commercial with a DIFFERENT MAN? Did she take the diamond and run? Was this diamond better and thus more worthy of her love than the other one? Maybe things just didn’t work out. Or, maybe she’s the black widow of diamonds? She finds a man, gets a diamond, then bites off the man’s head and moves on. The hussy! What ever happened to “a diamond is forever”? So diamonds are out too. I wouldn’t want to get my head bit off.

Just as I was pondering all of this, a commercial for Publix®, one of our regional grocery store chains, came on.

It was one of their ‘holiday special’ commercials with a musical score that evokes that “something wonderful is happening” feeling. They proceed to show me a barrage of clips of happy people doing happy holiday things… family cooking together, children peeking around corners at mysterious, wonderfully wrapped packages, relatives arriving, the family pet in a ridiculous outfit... Things made possible only through Publix® undying dedication to their customer… Me!

Why doesn’t the other store, Wynn-Dixie, do the same? Don’t they care about me? How dare they ignore me and my needs during this holiday season! I spent money there and they could care less about my feelings. I will probably sue Wynn-Dixie as soon as my Publix® euphoria wears down, after “holiday”. Wynn-Dixie, the heartless Bastards… They OWE me!

Publix® generously points out to me how much they care about my holiday and how easy and delightful they will make it. Publix®, after all, is family! I know this because they tell me so. How wonderful the feeling as they whisk me away on a magical holiday experience that will leave all of life’s worries behind. They will even provide the snow in this eighty degree weather. Visions of Mac& Cheese will dance in my head as I try to sleep, the anticipation of the next day’s Publix® “holiday” experience weighing heavy on my mind.

Who needs diamonds? Who needs a car? I have Oscar Myer Bologna! Now I don’t have to spend “holiday” alone. I will awaken on “holiday” morning and there I will be amongst all my Publix® purchases. Who said money can’t buy happiness? “Holiday” is GREAT!

Publix® really cares about me. Publix® IS my family! I know this cause they tell me so.

Deep Thoughts

I often ponder why my little finger fits exactly into my nostrils.