Third Offence

I Dated Satan!

Before I met my current girlfriend, I had a few dating experiences from the infamous Yahoo Personals.  There are a million stories in Yahoo Personals; this is just one of them.

I responded to one of these ads to a nice looking woman in her early forties. She had an average job, was the mother of one grown daughter who was now in college, had most of the same likes and interests as me and as it turned out, a great sense of humor. We corresponded through email and chat for several weeks, getting to know each other and becoming comfortable enough to meet.

We finally met one night for dinner and a pleasant one it was. After coffee I asked her “what would you like to do now?” She suggested we go to Cocoa Village to a place that had live music. That sounded good to me so off we went, each in our own cars.

The place was packed solid and LOUD. Not my usual style but the energy was good and everyone was having a blast. The band wasn’t half bad either. We finally get a small piece of bar to sit at and order our drinks. I had a Heineken; she got some kind of mixed popper/shooter something or other, the kind of drink they force down the throats of Spring Breaker’s down in Cancun Mexico. I had about two sips of my beer and noticed that her drink was gone. “Wow, must have been thirsty?” I thought, and politely ordered her another one.

After a few minutes it became obvious that she frequents this place because she seemed to know everyone. “Hi Mike” she shouts across the room. “Yo Ethan” she shouts in another direction. “I’ll be right back, I see someone I know” she said as she shot across the floor and jumped on another guys back. This went on for a little while until she came back with another drink in hand, this one a different color. “Let’s dance”, “Wanna dance?”, “Let’s dance!” she said in a fevered pitch that matched her soaring energy level. “Well, she sure has a lot of energy” I thought to myself as we made or way to the dance floor.

So there we were dancing… I mean there I was dancing, she disappeared behind some others on the crowded dance floor. Then I saw her, she was dancing with another guy. I’m not the jealous type so it wasn’t the dancing at issue here, but she was GRINDING, with this guy, then another guy, then two guys at the same time. She looked like the cream filling in an Oreo cookie.

Well, I had enough dancing alone so I went back to our (my) corner and sipped my beer again. After about ten minutes she was back, but by now she was barely aware of my presence. “Woo-Hooo!” she shouted out as the band finished a song. “Wooooo-Hooooo!” she wailed again as she started to climb onto a bar stool. “WOOOOOOO_HOOOOOOOO!!!” she screamed as she lifted her shirt to reveal her braless chest to the crowd of cheering men and women.

“woo-hoo” I thought, as I paid my tab and headed for the door. A slurry female voice behind me shouted “Heyyyyyyyhh, where ya go-win?”… “Back to the Surface World... Wooo-Hooo!”  I shouted over the crowd.

I never did hear from her again, maybe she’s still swimming in that lake of fire in the ninth circle of Hell.

How Much for the Frosted Apples?

One of the things I love about living in beachside Florida is the casual atmosphere and care-free attitudes of the people that live here. However, some people carry it just a bit too far in my opinion.

I was in the Publix® grocery store one day, in the produce section when I noticed a man looking over some fruit. Then it struck me why this was so out of place. All he had on was a pair of shorts! No shirt, no shoes, no nothing, just shorts, and I mean “Daisy Duke” shorts!

In addition to his casual attire, he was completely covered with dirt, grime and plaster dust. He wasn’t a bum, but obviously just came from work where I assume he does dry-wall. He looked like Pig Pen from Peanuts but frosted like a sugar donut. However, from the amount of chest and back hair on him he could have passed for a wild animal with bad dandruff too.

I looked around to see if anyone else noticed this but apparently it didn’t bother anyone. Not even the store manager who was standing right there. So I guess I was alone in being grossed out as Pig Pen / Grizzly Adams sprinkled Pixie Dust on the entire selection of fresh produce that I wanted to buy.

So I finish my shopping, get in line, and pay for my groceries. On the way out I just couldn’t help myself so I looked on the door for that classic sign, and sure enough, it was there:

No Shoes!
No Shirt!
No Service!

There was also one about "No Animals Except Service Dogs".

Well, it’s nice of them to at least give it some thought.

More Yahell Dating Fun

I found this gem on Yahoo Personals that just begged me to do a post.

Headline: Are you strong enough to be my man? (Um, what does THAT mean?)
Name: Jessica (A give away, I really should look for the age first)
Age: 28 (ok, too young for me, but maybe she’s mature?)
Marital Status: I’ll tell you later (…More like HE will tell me later, with a shotgun!)
Occupation: Entertainment (Entertainment? Is she a comedian?)
Interests: Arts, Dancing, Movies, Photography (I wonder if she means all at the same time?)

Now what Jessica is looking for in a man:
Age: Any
Body Type: Any
Interests: Any
Marital Status: Any (Not too picky is she?)
A long list of “Any” follows until we get to Income…
Income: $50,000 and up

In Jessica’s own words:
“i'm looking for a mature man to be a friend, and to just have a good time”. (does that interest in dancing involve a pole by any chance?)

Now on to the images: It is obvious that all of Jessica’s images were professionally shot. By what kind of professional I can only guess, but I am guessing they were the test shots before the actual porn shoot!

Image 1:
Jessica will have the men begging at her feet in this season’s “Retro Nazi SS uniform” for women. Notice the thigh high jack boots with stiletto heels coupled with the leather bustier with pointed, chrome tipped cups. She accessorizes with a designer Italian leather riding crop, a leather SS hat, and chrome handcuffs on her spike studded belt. Jessica has the look that says, “No pain, no gain” in this daring designer ensemble from Bavaria. (Now her headline makes perfect sense!)

Image 2:
Jessica is sitting on a bail of Hay with arms back and one leg in the air. Her denim mini skirt is “Farmers Daughter” chic with the addition of matching leopard print halter top and ankle strap pumps for a contemporary twist. Her Diamond belly button stud adds a touch of class to this barnyard beauty.

Image 3:
Nothing says “back to school” like Jessica’s blue plaid, Catholic school mini skirt; white, low cut, unbuttoned, button down blouse, and shiny black leather “Mary Jane’s”. White knee-high socks are the perfect accent for this picture of innocence. Jessica accessorizes with a yard stick for emphasis on this smart “educational” outfit.

Dat Am It A’ight!

“She am um… She am um… Um, what dat word again? IG’RINT! Yeah, dat’s it! She am ig’rint!”

Overheard on a Philadelphia bus circa 1989.