Third Offence

One Bad Pickup Line

Barfly to drunk chick: “What do you do for a living?”

 

Drunk chick: “I don’t work, I’m raising my kids.”

 

Barfly: “Oh, I don’t have a job either!”

 

- Ovearheard at "Charlotte's Web", Cape Canaveral, FL.

Bartender, Make Mine a Robitussin®

I stopped going out to clubs when we had our first child back in ’93. It wasn’t until my separation in 2002 that I once again started going out on Saturday nights for some fun and a few drinks. Eventually I began to notice the local inhabitants love for a strange, once obscure liquor called “Jägermeister”.

I had worked as a bartender for a few years in the 1980’s when I lived in Philadelphia and I do remember this bottle from those days. However, it was always on some back shelf along with the Rye, Vat 69, and something called Kirschwasser. All were covered in a patina of dust glued on with tobacco tar, having been sitting there since the day the last consumer of these products died sometime around 1948.

Now, down here at least, people can’t get enough of the stuff! Almost every establishment has a Jägermeister machine. This counter top dispenser holds three huge bottles of Jäger upside down in a configuration that reminds me of a 20mm, anti-aircraft gun ammo clip. It neatly dispenses the product at a near Liquid Nitrogen temperature which instantly freezes one’s taste buds on contact. This is probably a good idea since it tastes exactly like Cough Syrup!

I’m not much of a liquor drinker. Usually it’s either Beer or Wine for me and not much of it at that. So I just treated it as a curiosity for a while and, with the exception that I did notice it was the “Ork’s magic love potion” that I mentioned in an earlier story, I gave it no more thought. That is until I went out with a friend from work one night.

After running around to a few different night spots we ended up shooting some darts in the good ol’ Ork bar. It was time for another beer and he said to me “Lets do a Jäger shot!” “Hmm” I thought. “Ok”, after all, it was time that I saw what all the fuss was about. We got our frozen shots and threw them back together with a toast. YUCK! Now THAT was nasty even frozen! Yet, it did have a curious after taste, something akin to Licorice. A few minutes passed and we did another… then another… then…

I don’t know what they put in this stuff but I am sure it is not legal to purchase over the counter. Somewhere on the bottle it MUST say “Bristol-Myers Squibb”! This stuff is danger in a bottle, period.

Somewhere between darts, pool, Frank Sinatra and a Bean Burrito, I lost track of my shoes and all memory of the rest of the evening. The next day I awoke in a strange house, next to a big 50ish man with missing teeth, tobacco stained yellow/gray beard, dirty clothes, and a greasy Budweiser hat.

“Ahhh” I said. “So THAT’S how it works!”

My Dentist is Ruining my Love Life

After my ex and I split up, I spent the first two years with no interest in dating or a relationship. Eventually, however, I began to feel quite lonely and started to look for companionship again. Not having dated since 1987, I only had my twenty-something references of how to go about doing this, so I started by going out to bars and night clubs.

Originally being from Philadelphia, I was unfamiliar with the rituals and culture of my new home. This left me at quite a disadvantage and to be honest, a feeling of shock and awe.

So I’m out at a local bar one night, a half way decent place with most of the patrons being around my own age. And since Cape Canaveral is "The Divorce Capital of the United States" according to the 2000 census, I figured, "Hey, plenty of single women around here, this should be easy".

Across the bar I spied a woman in her forties wearing nice clean clothing that was neither slutty, or too prissy looking. She had a few pieces of jewelry that showed taste and class without being gaudy or over done. Her hair was well groomed and she wore her makeup well, just enough to enhance her austere features. She had an air of class, culture, and intelligence about her that I found outwardly attractive.

I was sitting there, trying to get up the nerve to start a conversation with her, when a rather large, late 50s-ish, Ogre looking man sat down next to her. This guy looked like he just got rescued from the set of "Cast Away". A greasy Budweiser hat crowned a long mat of yellow/gray, weather damaged hair, which hung down to his shoulders with no apparent attempt at combing. His "ZZ Top" style, tobacco stained beard framed a spotty toothless mouth with lips that looked like chipping paint. Somewhere on that dirty shirt I swear I could see fish scales glitter now and then. I like to call those "Redneck Sequins".

"Surely she’s going to get up once he starts bothering her", I thought. This should be entertaining.

He started to talk to her… "Here we go" I mused, waiting for the look of disgust to cross her face.

However…

He buys her a drink and she accepts. They both did a shot of chilled Jägermeister, which I always thought was a cough medicine. Then another Jäger for both and another Bud for him. I sat there completely intrigued with the ritual I was witnessing. "Well", I thought, "I guess it’s not as hard as I thought to break the ice around here". I wondered if they knew each other until I saw them shake hands and I caught a "pleased to meet you" over the din of music, conversation and clinking glassware.

Suddenly, without warning, they both get up and leave together. WHAT? Oh my God! I really had HER pegged wrong! I guess she has a thing for the "Homeless chic" look? That or there must be something in that Jägermeister that I am not aware of. Maybe it’s a secret Ogre love potion? I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but I can not describe how disconcerting this was to me. It was like witnessing a Sea Lion trying to mate with a French Poodle!

Well, I wasn’t going to just give up because of one strange woman and her new found Ogre pal. I was determined to meet someone so I stayed to see what the night would bring.

After a short while another woman sat down at the bar. She appeared to be in her late thirties and again was well dressed, clean, groomed, and appeared to have something going for her (This IS the exception in Cape Canaveral).

I wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. It was time to get over my shy demeanor and just start talking to her before some other guy does.

"BARTENDER" I shouted… "I’m going outside to crawl under my car. When I return I want you to knock out my front teeth and give that woman a Jägermeister on me"!

I Dated Satan!

Before I met my current girlfriend, I had a few dating experiences from the infamous Yahoo Personals.  There are a million stories in Yahoo Personals; this is just one of them.

I responded to one of these ads to a nice looking woman in her early forties. She had an average job, was the mother of one grown daughter who was now in college, had most of the same likes and interests as me and as it turned out, a great sense of humor. We corresponded through email and chat for several weeks, getting to know each other and becoming comfortable enough to meet.

We finally met one night for dinner and a pleasant one it was. After coffee I asked her “what would you like to do now?” She suggested we go to Cocoa Village to a place that had live music. That sounded good to me so off we went, each in our own cars.

The place was packed solid and LOUD. Not my usual style but the energy was good and everyone was having a blast. The band wasn’t half bad either. We finally get a small piece of bar to sit at and order our drinks. I had a Heineken; she got some kind of mixed popper/shooter something or other, the kind of drink they force down the throats of Spring Breaker’s down in Cancun Mexico. I had about two sips of my beer and noticed that her drink was gone. “Wow, must have been thirsty?” I thought, and politely ordered her another one.

After a few minutes it became obvious that she frequents this place because she seemed to know everyone. “Hi Mike” she shouts across the room. “Yo Ethan” she shouts in another direction. “I’ll be right back, I see someone I know” she said as she shot across the floor and jumped on another guys back. This went on for a little while until she came back with another drink in hand, this one a different color. “Let’s dance”, “Wanna dance?”, “Let’s dance!” she said in a fevered pitch that matched her soaring energy level. “Well, she sure has a lot of energy” I thought to myself as we made or way to the dance floor.

So there we were dancing… I mean there I was dancing, she disappeared behind some others on the crowded dance floor. Then I saw her, she was dancing with another guy. I’m not the jealous type so it wasn’t the dancing at issue here, but she was GRINDING, with this guy, then another guy, then two guys at the same time. She looked like the cream filling in an Oreo cookie.

Well, I had enough dancing alone so I went back to our (my) corner and sipped my beer again. After about ten minutes she was back, but by now she was barely aware of my presence. “Woo-Hooo!” she shouted out as the band finished a song. “Wooooo-Hooooo!” she wailed again as she started to climb onto a bar stool. “WOOOOOOO_HOOOOOOOO!!!” she screamed as she lifted her shirt to reveal her braless chest to the crowd of cheering men and women.

“woo-hoo” I thought, as I paid my tab and headed for the door. A slurry female voice behind me shouted “Heyyyyyyyhh, where ya go-win?”… “Back to the Surface World... Wooo-Hooo!”  I shouted over the crowd.

I never did hear from her again, maybe she’s still swimming in that lake of fire in the ninth circle of Hell.

More Yahell Dating Fun

I found this gem on Yahoo Personals that just begged me to do a post.

Headline: Are you strong enough to be my man? (Um, what does THAT mean?)
Name: Jessica (A give away, I really should look for the age first)
Age: 28 (ok, too young for me, but maybe she’s mature?)
Marital Status: I’ll tell you later (…More like HE will tell me later, with a shotgun!)
Occupation: Entertainment (Entertainment? Is she a comedian?)
Interests: Arts, Dancing, Movies, Photography (I wonder if she means all at the same time?)

Now what Jessica is looking for in a man:
Age: Any
Body Type: Any
Interests: Any
Marital Status: Any (Not too picky is she?)
A long list of “Any” follows until we get to Income…
Income: $50,000 and up

In Jessica’s own words:
“i'm looking for a mature man to be a friend, and to just have a good time”. (does that interest in dancing involve a pole by any chance?)

Now on to the images: It is obvious that all of Jessica’s images were professionally shot. By what kind of professional I can only guess, but I am guessing they were the test shots before the actual porn shoot!

Image 1:
Jessica will have the men begging at her feet in this season’s “Retro Nazi SS uniform” for women. Notice the thigh high jack boots with stiletto heels coupled with the leather bustier with pointed, chrome tipped cups. She accessorizes with a designer Italian leather riding crop, a leather SS hat, and chrome handcuffs on her spike studded belt. Jessica has the look that says, “No pain, no gain” in this daring designer ensemble from Bavaria. (Now her headline makes perfect sense!)

Image 2:
Jessica is sitting on a bail of Hay with arms back and one leg in the air. Her denim mini skirt is “Farmers Daughter” chic with the addition of matching leopard print halter top and ankle strap pumps for a contemporary twist. Her Diamond belly button stud adds a touch of class to this barnyard beauty.

Image 3:
Nothing says “back to school” like Jessica’s blue plaid, Catholic school mini skirt; white, low cut, unbuttoned, button down blouse, and shiny black leather “Mary Jane’s”. White knee-high socks are the perfect accent for this picture of innocence. Jessica accessorizes with a yard stick for emphasis on this smart “educational” outfit.

My Favorite Personals Headlines

In any sales pitch, the headline is the most important piece of copy that will be read. It determines whether you grab someone’s attention to read on, or simply turn the page.

Here are a few of my favorite headlines from Yahoo Personals with my comments for entertainment purposes. Just to be fair, I also looked over men’s headlines and included the best of the best of those too. These are all real, copied and pasted as is.

First, the women:

Aquarian: Need I say more? – Only for those of us not versed in Tarot cards or casting chicken bones.

Thanks for Stopping By....... – Now keep the line moving please.

Online dating ??? – Oh! I thought this was the “Returns” line!

almost ready – Still putting on your face?

All the fine guys can give me a jingle  - The idea is still the same, only the colloquialisms have changed.

ARE U QQ 4 ME – I am the Walrus, QQ-ca-choo!

If there's no wind, row! – Or just… oh, never mind!

Blond, But No dumy – In case you missed it, read that again!

"Fate will bring us together" – And your sewing shears will do us part

looking for a best friend – Awww, I lost my dog too.

relaxing and letting go – I find that Metamucil works well for me.

A New Year, A New Love... – At least I can plan for next year now.

Not like other girls... – I’ve used THAT line before!

No Assembly Required – Just inflate and go.

Beautiful heart & mind ! – I was really looking for a spare Kidney.

A Girl Lookin for a Real Guy – Those plastic ones get old real quick.

Let's Talk!!! – What did I do now?

Ambitious woman in need of stable man – Does this really need any further translation?

Are you Mr Perfect???? – Not since I starred on “The Brady Bunch” but I’ll try.

NON MEMBER-Now Accepting Applications – What kind of health plan do you offer?

I believe that life is too short so you      – I guess it was a lot shorter than she expected.

Now the men:

Seeking my best friend – Aww, I lost my dog… Oh wait, that’s MY headline!

The Complete Package! – (In Bevis & Butthead voices)  “He said package”… “Uuuh, Yeah, heh, heh, heh, heh.”

Enigma seeks same – Will Enya do?

Mr. townsend in search of........... – I saw Farrah Fawcett on a Milk carton.

STRONG AND SILENT – except for my SHOUTING CAPS!

Nice guy with an edge – As seen on Television’s “The Forensic Files”.

LOST IN SPACE – Just Say No!

Texas Transplant hopes to Net a Mermaid! – I’m telling Columba Bush!

Wanted Boating Babe! – Must have class!

Do you like to ride or fly? – More colloquialisms?

I'm kind of a big deal....... – Does that come with Fries?

Fireman Looking For Fire. – Must be open minded and willing to try new things.

I swear I am a nice guy. – Another line I’ve used before.

Isn't attraction incredible? – Just look at what I can do with these two magnets!

Life Is GOOOOD – And you want to go and ruin it by dating again.

Branch up to the tall timber – And bring plenty of Acorns.

TheRocketMan007 – Who can resist that?

Hay Now!!!!! – I also have sugar cubes and apples.

Seeking Goddess to worship – Must speak Ancient Greek.

Follow me down the rabbit hole...! – More sugar cubes?

Part teddy bear, part social butterfly - Part put my ad in the wrong section.

More Long Walks in Hell - Part 2

You can tell a lot from someone's picture. Not just the obvious things like facial stress, clothing type, or whisky eyes, but even the surroundings they chose to be photographed in... Or simply were not aware of.

Another one of my favorite Yahoo Personals ad starts out with the headline “Something is about me”, which I am still trying to figure out. As you read on you learn that she came here from Vietnam, is STILL married and NEEDS a rich man to help her get a divorce. She is also looking for a man who can keep her in the “lifestyle she is accustomed to” which requires a salary of “$100,000 or more” to do just that.

Judging from her picture, she is accustomed to living in a land fill. Something is about her, all right and I mean EVERYWHERE! Behind her are piles of newspaper, clothing strewn about the floor, empty food cans on the counter and more clothing hung over chairs and doorknobs. Her headline should be changed to something that makes more sense like “Lazy slob needs sugar daddy to manage my life for me”.

Moving on, I finally came across a normal looking profile. Terry is a 49 year old from my general area. Her headline reads “Looking for Mr. right (LOL)”. Ok, Terry has a good sense of humor, that’s a start. Let’s see her picture…

What? WOW! Terry looks GREAT for 49. She must eat right, exercise, and stay out of strong sunlight and… Um, why is Terry wearing a graduation cap and gown? And why is there a little gold “79” on her tassel? Oh wait; there are more pictures of Terry below…

Oh man! These are no good. They must have been taken in a fun house mirror. That CAN’T be Terry, can it? How did they make her skin look like that? Is this Terry’s mom?

More Long Walks in Hell - Part 1

During my online dating travels I came across just too many weirdities to mention in my first post. In fact, I could make an entire blog on just this subject since it's an endless source of entertainment. It's like EBay for People!

I take these juicy tidbits from Yahoo Personals and condense them for your (and my) entertainment.

It can be true that “a picture tells a thousand words”. Let’s take “Teal” for instance. Teal (that’s what she says her name is) starts out her headline with “NO LOSERS!!!!!” just as I wrote here, all caps and 5 exclamation points. In her “standard information” about herself (which is filled out with drop down box choices) she is “Separated”, that’s separated, not divorced or single. Has “Blonde” hair, even though her black roots are clearly visible in her pictures. She lives “With Parents” (Teal states her age as 29), and she’s a “High School” grad.

Teal’s employment status is listed as “I’ll tell you later”, which is the standard response when an answer is not picked. Her occupation and income also have the same response (yes, they have a drop down box for income for the terminally shallow). From this we can surmise that Teal is unemployed and broke.

However, in Teal’s list of what she WANTS in a man she is looking for a guy who is “Single” or “Divorced” (but NOT separated) with “No Kids”, is a “Post Graduate”, is employed “Full Time” and makes an income of at least “$75,000 - $99,999 or up." All of which begs the question, who is the “LOSER!!!!!” by comparison here?

It is also worth noting that “Teal” has a picture of herself wearing one of those large metal personalized belt buckles with a name on it. The name on her buckle is “Amber”, which leads me to the further conclusion that Teal/Amber/Loser is also a complete moron!

Long Walks in Hell

So, after living in the Cape for 3 years and never really meeting anyone worth knowing… Or anyone I would trust, I decided to try an online dating service.

I looked at eHarmony, took their personality test, and found a match… In Saigon! I decided that eHarmony was really for people looking to get married, something that is not for me after my last experience with marriage. I just wanted to start dating again.

A Google search brought up many, many dating sites. Some were obviously not for me, their names giving them right away, “sexfriend.com”, “gaydate.com”, “russianwomenwantyourmoney.com” etc. but others were more innocuous like “adultfriendfinder.com” which I clicked on, thinking it meant no minors would be there. So I began reading… “I like whips and chains, multiple partners at the same time, crossdressing….” Now I’m no prude but hey, I haven’t dated since before I was married and that was in 1987 so I want to start out a bit slower… That and I am not a cross-dressing sadomasochist.

Well, I settled on good old Yahoo Personals for a start. It looked ok, it was cheap, there seemed to be a lot of women in my area, and they had standards which would weed out the blood drinking, boot fetish, cross-dressing diaper people.

I’ve never read a larger collection of lukewarm, mundane, idealistic, fantasy droning crap than I have on there. Are these women serious? “I like long walks on the beach, romantic candle-lit dinners, snuggling by a warm fire (In Florida?), reading romance novels, etc.”… It’s safe to say that about 70% of the profiles start out this way.

Does anyone really do these things? I like some of these things too but it doesn’t mean I’ll be doing them every single day and it certainly is not the core of who I am. I want to know WHO you are, not what you WANT! Save that for Santa!

Are they expecting me to whisk them away on my white stallion to a magical fairy land? A land where she can eat Bon-Bons on a Bear skin rug by a romantic candle-lit fire on the beach? As I read those profiles, it occurred to me that they were filled with “needs”. “What I want…”, “You MUST be…”, “You should make…” etc. Hey! What about MY needs?

Here’s my profile:

I like watching sports on TV, long sessions working on my car, BBQ for dinner, sitting around in my boxer shorts, playing computer games, making loud farts…

I WANT you to have a perfect body and a face like a model. You MUST work out because I am very picky.

You WILL like ALL the things I like or we just can’t talk.

You MUST have an income of $75,000 or more and treat me like a man because I am old fashioned and believe in morels.

If you HAVE a Harley or a Boat, I will travel to meet you.

Now I’m sure that sounds absolutely irresistible to all the women out there! By the way, all the “NEEDS” parts I took from actual women’s profiles. My favorite one being the women who NEEDS him to make at least $75,000/year because she has “old fashioned morels”… I did write to the lady who said she would travel for a Harley or boat. I asked her “Now that you established what you are, can we negotiate the price?” She never replied but she did remove that line shortly afterwards.

Now here’s my real profile:
I like intelligent conversation on many subjects. I have a love for history, art, culture, science, classic movies, non-fiction authors, a nice quiet dark restaurant, great coffee, good wine, nature, or just hanging out with a friend. I also love to cook and used to be a professional chef.

I have no particular “look” that attracts me. I am not a “blondes only, legs, or ass” man. I want someone who’s intelligent and not self absorbed, arrogant or prissy. Just be comfortable being yourself. I prefer women near my own age.

We will have areas of interest that differ… Anything else would be boring.

I don’t care how much money you make. If that is the most important thing in life to you then we probably shouldn’t meet. I may share what I have out of love and simply wanting to. I don’t expect anything in return.

If you have a Harley or Boat, I will travel to meet you.