Third Offence: Long Walks in Hell

So, after living in the Cape for 3 years and never really meeting anyone worth knowing… Or anyone I would trust, I decided to try an online dating service.

I looked at eHarmony, took their personality test, and found a match… In Saigon! I decided that eHarmony was really for people looking to get married, something that is not for me after my last experience with marriage. I just wanted to start dating again.

A Google search brought up many, many dating sites. Some were obviously not for me, their names giving them right away, “sexfriend.com”, “gaydate.com”, “russianwomenwantyourmoney.com” etc. but others were more innocuous like “adultfriendfinder.com” which I clicked on, thinking it meant no minors would be there. So I began reading… “I like whips and chains, multiple partners at the same time, crossdressing….” Now I’m no prude but hey, I haven’t dated since before I was married and that was in 1987 so I want to start out a bit slower… That and I am not a cross-dressing sadomasochist.

Well, I settled on good old Yahoo Personals for a start. It looked ok, it was cheap, there seemed to be a lot of women in my area, and they had standards which would weed out the blood drinking, boot fetish, cross-dressing diaper people.

I’ve never read a larger collection of lukewarm, mundane, idealistic, fantasy droning crap than I have on there. Are these women serious? “I like long walks on the beach, romantic candle-lit dinners, snuggling by a warm fire (In Florida?), reading romance novels, etc.”… It’s safe to say that about 70% of the profiles start out this way.

Does anyone really do these things? I like some of these things too but it doesn’t mean I’ll be doing them every single day and it certainly is not the core of who I am. I want to know WHO you are, not what you WANT! Save that for Santa!

Are they expecting me to whisk them away on my white stallion to a magical fairy land? A land where she can eat Bon-Bons on a Bear skin rug by a romantic candle-lit fire on the beach? As I read those profiles, it occurred to me that they were filled with “needs”. “What I want…”, “You MUST be…”, “You should make…” etc. Hey! What about MY needs?

Here’s my profile:

I like watching sports on TV, long sessions working on my car, BBQ for dinner, sitting around in my boxer shorts, playing computer games, making loud farts…

I WANT you to have a perfect body and a face like a model. You MUST work out because I am very picky.

You WILL like ALL the things I like or we just can’t talk.

You MUST have an income of $75,000 or more and treat me like a man because I am old fashioned and believe in morels.

If you HAVE a Harley or a Boat, I will travel to meet you.

Now I’m sure that sounds absolutely irresistible to all the women out there! By the way, all the “NEEDS” parts I took from actual women’s profiles. My favorite one being the women who NEEDS him to make at least $75,000/year because she has “old fashioned morels”… I did write to the lady who said she would travel for a Harley or boat. I asked her “Now that you established what you are, can we negotiate the price?” She never replied but she did remove that line shortly afterwards.

Now here’s my real profile:
I like intelligent conversation on many subjects. I have a love for history, art, culture, science, classic movies, non-fiction authors, a nice quiet dark restaurant, great coffee, good wine, nature, or just hanging out with a friend. I also love to cook and used to be a professional chef.

I have no particular “look” that attracts me. I am not a “blondes only, legs, or ass” man. I want someone who’s intelligent and not self absorbed, arrogant or prissy. Just be comfortable being yourself. I prefer women near my own age.

We will have areas of interest that differ… Anything else would be boring.

I don’t care how much money you make. If that is the most important thing in life to you then we probably shouldn’t meet. I may share what I have out of love and simply wanting to. I don’t expect anything in return.

If you have a Harley or Boat, I will travel to meet you.

Comments

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